I met up with a friend from my former life at a meet-up last week, and although we got along just fine, I felt like I'd been hit hard by the dreaded "imposter syndrome."  Am I really serious about this web developer thing?  Who do I think I am?  I’m supposed to be a gymnast and a personal trainer, not a programmer!  I’m supposed to be super passionate about sharing my story and inspiring people, and it's been a while since I even posted anything on my blog!  Fortunately, this feeling didn't last long, I just had to remind myself how I ended up here.

This January, I moved to San Francisco to attend App Academy, a selective full-time web development bootcamp, and I've since been hired as a contractor by App Academy to conduct technical interviews with prospective students.  It's quite a bit different from teaching handstands, and as this is essentially a personal blog (and because you’re reading this, hi!), here's the explanation:

My ultimate goals haven't changed.  I'm passionate about mental health, and looking for a way to have a significant impact while also supporting the lifestyle I want (lots of gymnastics and lots of travel!)

Plan A was to start an online business and help people improve their confidence and self esteem through online coaching - somehow combining fitness, positive mindset, and community.   When Plan A didn't work out, I decided to move on to Plan B:  become a software developer,  earn-to-give, build my skills and my network.

If you've ever heard of Effective Altruism and 80000 Hours, you'll know what I'm talking about.  The idea is to use concrete evidence and reasoning to figure out how to do the most good.  80000 Hours turns the Effective Altruism approach into career advise, suggesting that, for example, working a high paying job and then donating to effective charities, or getting involved in start-ups and entrepreneurship, could ultimately have a much bigger social impact than working an entry level job at a non-profit. 

At first I worried about abandoning my coaching goals, but I actually think Plan B turned out to be a much better plan.  I always knew I wanted to work towards a cause I cared about, but until recently I'd neglected to consider what I was really good at, and what I enjoyed doing.  I started teaching myself HTML and CSS in order to improve this website, and just kept diving deeper and deeper.  I loved being able to build stuff from scratch.  I'd hit a wall, but keep chipping away at a problem, and finally come up with a working solution.  That was empowering.  Coding felt like playing, just messing around, and I'd get sucked in and lose track of time.

In the tech world I've also been able to surround myself with smart, motivated, passionate, innovative people who can push me to improve myself and always keep learning.  I love being part of a team, and solving tough problems collaboratively.  And as much as I enjoyed coaching gymnastics, I'm glad to be doing something slightly more challenging than teaching 3 year olds to climb over blocks.

You can be sure I'm committed to becoming the best software developer I can possibly be!

- Claire

Combine mental health disorders, artsy cinematography, computer hacking, and a critique of modern society and you get the endlessly fascinating TV drama that I just can’t stop watching.  Mr. Robot follows a cybersecurity engineer/hacktivist (Elliot) who suffers from depression and social anxiety disorder.  He's also on a mission to eliminate debt from the world and redistribute wealth.  Maybe it's a unlikely combination, but a combination that exposes the prevalence of mental health issues in our society, and which really made me think.

Elliot holds a very cynical view of society, questioning whether we really have any control or freedom in our lives, or if we're all just conditioned to act in a way that benefits the 1% and perpetuates our consumerist culture.

"McDonald's or Burger King? Hyundai or Honda? Hmm. It's all part of the same blur, right? Just out of focus enough. It's the illusion of choice.... You know, if our only option is Blue Cross or Blue Shield, what the fuck is the difference? In fact, aren't they... aren't they the same?"

We think we’re independent, Elliot would say, but really we’re each just another body in a sea of bodies following orders, inoculated and trained by popular culture to act just like everyone else.

I would say from personal experience that people who struggle with their mental health are more likely to criticize the society they live in, just the way anyone who’s suffering might. Happy people don’t find fault with their world, at least not close to home.  But how do we know who’s right?  How do we know whether there’s something wrong with society or just ourselves?  Should we try to fix the world, or just work on our own happiness?

Despite all his critiques, part way through season 1 Elliot suddenly decides he’s done trying to change the world and resolves to live a “normal” life from then on.  Much to everyone’s surprise, he walks into work sipping a Starbucks latte and accepts his boss’s invitation to dinner.  The change only lasts a moment though, and we’re not really sure whether to feel relieved or disappointed once Elliot returns to his usual gloomy self.  

Does “recovery” mean learning how to be “normal."  Is trying to be like everyone else exactly what we need to stay mentally healthy, or is it the equivalent to jumping off a cliff after our friends?  There is a good reason we try so hard to fit in.  Evolutionarily, humans were far more likely to survive if they belonged to a group, since groups could hunt and defend themselves more effectively.  We’re adapted to follow the herd and avoid rejection. But how do we know if we’ve gone too far?  How can we tell if social norms have become so ridiculous we’d be stupid not to question them?

My solution: question everything.  Question the “rat race,” question 9-5, question your assumptions, question your diet, question your workout routine…  I think Mr. Robot does an excellent job shedding light on how common mental health disorders, loneliness, and just general unhappiness have become.  Every character has their own internal daemons, and Elliot's internal monologue reminds us how easy it is to walk through a crowded city and still feel isolated.  This fact alone proves there must be something going on, something about our society that’s messed up.  However, as much as we’d like to change the world - and I definitely think we should try - life’s also too short to be unhappy.  We can change ourselves much more quickly than we can change the world, and prompt personal happiness should come first.

It's certainly possible to find happiness outside the norms, and being happy shouldn't necessitate "fitting in" with everyone else.  We just need to prioritize building a community of people with similar interests, and stay flexible enough that our beliefs and criticisms don't interfere with our ability to connect and enjoy life.

By the way, this post isn't supposed to give any conclusive answers.  It's meant to be food for thought, and it's really just my random ramblings!  Be a 1 instead of a 0, take action and let me know your own opinions in the comments!

- Claire

“Where are you from?” is one of my least favorite questions to answer, and it became especially confusing while I was traveling and meeting people from all over the world.  Thai people, I discovered, understood me more easily when I said “America” rather than “the States,” or “the US."  But if I'm talking to an American, I can't just say “America,” I have to say "New Hampshire."  Unless they’re asking because they can tell my accent isn't quite American, in which case I have to tell them I’m English.  But with English people do I tell them I’m from Sheffield, or will they look at me disbelievingly because to them I sound American?  Europeans and Australians don’t usually know where New Hampshire is, so sometimes I just say I’m from Chicago instead.  It’s all very confusing.

There’s a funny quote from the show Silicon Valley, when Jared talks about not being able to move back into his apartment.  “I always have my trick,” he says.  “I simply pretend that my body is my home, and I am my skeleton. That way, I’m always at home."

It sounds a bit ridiculous put this way, but I’ve realized there’s some wisdom to it. No matter where I go, I bring my self with me.  My personality doesn’t change, my interests and goals remain the same, and as long as I stay true to myself, I’m ok.

​- Claire