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A VERY LOW DAY

10/17/2016

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black window looking out onto bleak forest
I tend to say, “I struggled,” past tense.  Who am I kidding?  I still struggle sometimes.  I may not be underweight anymore but I’m susceptible to loneliness and depression, and when that happens I abuse food.  I eat when I’m not hungry, and I can’t control how much.  If I start eating a jar of nut butter I don’t stop until it’s all gone, even though I’m no longer enjoying it.  I start feeling like my life is falling apart, out of my control, and I don’t know what to do about it.  I think about all the things that used to be better, or that I wish I could change in the future.  I get grouchy and stubborn and ignore everyone around me.  I’m reluctant to get out of bed or leave the house.  I realize that I could make the effort to improve my mood, but there’s something satisfying about being miserable so I don’t want to.

Here’s where the part that says, “But now I know that…”/“But then I go running and it’s all better…”/“But then I remember that…” should go.  Right now that wouldn’t be accurate, and I’m still struggling.  

I did run a few sprints up my driveway this morning, which was an improvement over yesterday.  Just focusing on doing more and thinking less, keeping busy so I don’t have time to worry.  If you ever feel like this too, please know you’re not alone.

- Claire 
1 Comment
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